“I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it. But I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.”
-“Like Crazy” (2011)

I could almost say that it’s been a month since I’ve arrived in London for a new chapter of my life.

I love new beginnings.
I love the fascination that wells up inside me when meeting someone new, seeing something new.
I love the different ways your senses adapt to the new surrounding, the way it looks, the way it smells, the way it sounds, the way it tastes, the way it feels.

I hate new beginnings.
I hate the feeling of being lost when meeting someone new, seeing something new.
I hate the different ways your senses have to adapt to new surroundings, the way it looks, the way it smells, the way it sounds, the way it tastes, the way it feels.

I wish I could blame it on the cold, the rain, the gloomy weather, but I guess the feeling of gloom really only hits you when you’re alone in the dark left with your own thoughts. In the dark, my thoughts all muddle together like a tangled ball of yarn, or a random scribble on a page, and I can hardly keep one thought clearly in my mind before another one overtakes that one mid-sentence.

When you’re adapting to a new setting, I think all of us, at the very least myself, is searching for a place where they fit in. In between all the laughter and good times, some part of me longs for the familiarity of home. We all had expectations, we all made assumptions, but most of these were based on the many cinematic representations rather than true facts and figures.

I assumed that I’d be uncomfortable with the strong drinking habits of the British culture.

Like a young child receiving a new doll, the joy and fascination with receiving a new toy comes with every attempt at something new. Though as time goes by, it simply becomes just another toy on the shelf.
I now know that I’m not entirely comfortable with the strong drinking habits, but I have also found alternative ways to have fun.

I assumed that I would never find a group of friends as weird and quirky as myself.

Within every person, there is an inner child waiting to get out. And just like myself, I had found myself a group of friends, weird, quirky, and full of endless bad jokes. As different as we all are, we have that one thing that we all have in common – we really like to laugh. I now now that wherever I go, there will be those who I can relate to, I just need to have the patience to search for them.

I assumed that after having two years of experience in boarding school, I would find it easy to adapt to being independent once again.

My thoughts are as messy as they will ever be. Every new chapter will be different from the last, and that’s the beauty of life, it’s constantly changing, and nothing ever goes as you expect it to. But in the end, I still know that God has a plan for me. He is strong enough for me, even when I am weak.

“Strong Enough” – Matthew West

‘I don’t have to be strong enough’.

Maybe it’ll take a few more days to clear up all these assumptions and replace them with facts and figures, and all the thoughts muddled in my head will only ever be cleared if I take the initiative to sort them out one by one.

“Help me find it” – Sidewalk Prophets
I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

I just need to trust. Get rid of assumptions. and simply… Trust Him.


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