I have never been… but I will…

I have never been one to think ahead. I rarely think of the consequences of my actions, and this always leads to someone getting hurt, myself or others. the one thing I still struggle with is finding a balance, knowing when to say ‘no’ so I stop overwhelming myself with tasks.

Diving head first into Fresher’s Fair, I signed up for every society that will actively seek me out to talk to me about their program. In my head, I was thinking “this could be fun! Why not?”. But as it came time to choose the ones that I really want to put my heart into, I found it hard to turn down the ones that don’t actually interest me. (Hence I still get endless emails regarding all their events). However, in the end, through a delayed response, I ended up with 4 societies. One of which is the starting point of today’s story.

I joined this society, thinking that it’d be one of the following things:

  1. A good source of in-depth knowledge about the things happening in the world
  2. A good link to my future career
  3. A good mark on my CV.

As much as I wouldn’t like to admit, the third reason would by the main reason for which I joined this society. I became part of the subcommittee in which I can help, and started attending meetings. Then, things started to fall apart.

“Do you want the good news first? Or the bad one first? Actually, there is only bad news, so let’s start with that. So, for many different reasons, your boss has just recently quit, so the big project next month that will start in a week or so, is all up to you guys.”

Apparently, as many would assume, that as a fresher, we have nothing to do, and all we do is laze around all day. Nobody thinks about the pressure of fitting in into a new environment. Nobody thinks about the pressure of adjusting to a new learning style. Nobody thinks about the possibility of the Fresher’s being stressed.

I have never been one to give up on responsibilities. I don’t like taking up a job and letting it go unfinished. I don’t like disappointing people, no matter how frustrating and time-consuming the job may be, I do it to my best abilities, or at least to the point till my patience runs out. Then I go into a corner (otherwise known as this blog), and sob and write.

A gigantic burden had been put on my back and I wasn’t ready to handle it. Either way, I spent many hours into the night working on it, thinking that I had been going in the right direction. But instead, I had been blind, just reaching out into the darkness searching for a slightest hint of direction.

I hit a wall.

Apparently, all the work I had completed was not compatible with ‘the vision’.

The moment that message came through, I could feel the all too familiar feeling of frustration well up inside of me.

Do you know the feeling you get when you try to hold in your tears? The way your nose feelings all weird and your eyes become slightly blurry. The first tear drop rolls down your cheeks.

Then, like a waterfall, the tears don’t end, they just keep flowing. The more you try to control it, the more it flows, and in the end you’re left with swollen eyes and a blocked nose. Although I wouldn’t like to admit, this experience is all too familiar for me. It’s so regular that there is even a playlist on spotify named “Healing through tears”.

Here’s my breakdown ritual:

  1. Put on the playlist “Healing through tears”
  2. Curl up into my blanket
  3. Let my thoughts spiral downwards
  4. Through blurry eyes – I search for answers from God.

Even though it’s happened many times, I always forget about the one solution that always seem to be the only one that truly works. Don’t get me wrong, my friends are amazing comforters, they always try to distract me, to cheer me up. But like many times before, it all only gets fixed one way. When I lift my eyes.

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength,
    a help always near in times of great trouble.
That’s why we won’t be afraid when the world falls apart,
    when the mountains crumble into the center of the sea,
when its waters roar and rage,
when the mountains shake because of its surging waves.

Apple Bobbing. That horrendously ridiculous game that makes you unattractively look like a pig gobbling food. Hands tied back behind your back. Hands off.

I have never been one to rely on others often. I like solving problems on my own. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.” When on the inside, I’m screaming. “Someone please help me.” From past experience, there have only been a few people that I trust enough to tell them everything about everything. Even then, some have turned their backs and walked away.

I give up.

I give it up to God.

My dearest heavenly father,
Please teach me to let go. To teach me how to trust you with my problems, to stand back and just let you restore the brokenness within everything that I have done.
I lift up my burdens to you. Please bring peace once again into my heart.
Amen.

I have never been someone who wholeheartedly trust that God can solve all my problems. “Yeah, he can solve some of them. But I can handle the rest.”

But I will learn to trust in Him, to let go, to stand back, to simply trust.

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