Yesterday, a friend and I had decided to start this 30 day challenge partially as a source of procrastination, and a source of inspiration.
Here is a small glimpse into my slightly chaotic mind:
“Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones.
I will try to fix you.”
– Fix You, Coldplay (#1)
I’m sure for those who has ever spent time writing down your emotions or thoughts onto a blog, diary, journal, even just a piece of paper, you would have probably noticed a slight pattern in life, (and just because it’s as cliche as it was true,) you would’ve noticed that ‘Life is a roller-coaster, full of ups and downs. All you can do, is try to enjoy the ride.’
This song was not anything new. It came out in 2005, which meant I was only 11 years old, the age of ‘mainstream-ness’. It was that point in life when you’re starting to define yourself as a ‘pre-teen’, the time when (unless you were extremely cool), tried to fit in by following whatever the main trend was. At least that was me. So just as it had appeared in the US singles chart, which was the rare occasions in which English pop songs appeared on the Chinese radio in Shanghai, I followed the trend and listened to it. The tune wasn’t unbearable, so it became another song that I added onto my iPod.
Today, was the firs time I properly listened to the lyrics.
And realised almost every lined related to some event in my past. If life gave me the luxury to analyse every line of this song, I could write a chapter for each line of the song to tell you my life story. But instead, I’ll use the limited amount of time I have to write one.
“When you’re too in love to let go.”
As a result of all the sappy romantic comedy movies I watch, I tend to have an overly-romanticized version of what a relationship should be. I fall for giant romantic gestures, I fall for sweet romantic quotes, I fall for never-ending staring competitions where you feel like you have a quick glimpse into someone’s mind. There was always something that I struggled with – differentiating between falling in love with a person, or falling in love with the idea of having a certain sort of relationships.
2 years ago, I started a relationship with a boy whom I had been really close friends with. The relationship started in a really vague manner, with uncertainties between us to continue forward or not. However, in the end, ‘young love triumphs’. We started a relationship and everything seemed to be all roses and rainbows. We had our own little inside jokes, we had our stories, and we had our dates. There were some pretty romantic gestures that only satisfied my fantasy of what a relationship should be like:
1. He folded 100 paper stars for me. With a reason for why I was ‘irreplaceable’, just because I was being unreasonably insecure of my place. (Apparently, it took him 4 hours…!)
2. He bought me roses… and managed to place them in my room before I got up in the morning (yes. getting up early was a hard thing for him). 3 of each of the 3 different colours. (Because, well 3 or any number with a ‘3’ in it was my favourite number). Each set for a different reason.
3. We had a box of memories. With cards, presents, and everything that symbolised ‘us’.
4. We had a storybook. With fictional characters that depicted our personalities, and ‘cartoonised’ drawings and over-exaggerated storylines.
5. We had promise rings. Because… well long story.
We had several dramatic arguments that ended with tears and apologies. Just as they were in movies. However, in the end, it all fell apart. I don’t think there was one specific reason that broke us apart, but rather a few things that just kept building up to one big bad explosion. After the breakup, there were many moments (not my proudest ones), where I had turned back and searched for the pieces to pick up to mend together. To fix.
I had moments wondering… what if. Many what ifs.
Maybe if we…
It took a while to finally let go. To finally accept that this relationship is not something that would continue. I realised this not because of all the cold shoulders I took from him after the breakup, but rather, understanding that the part that most disappointed me about the relationship was the fact that it didn’t fit into my mold of what a ‘perfect’ relationship should be. And by ‘perfect’ I meant a ‘1-hour-30-minute-movie-like-spontaneous-meeting-resulting-in-a-life-long-relationship’ sort of thing. Maybe there are people out there lucky enough to meet their life-long life at first sight. But I guess that’s just not what my story was meant to be like.
Today, I started this challenge thinking that it would be a short ‘analysis’ of what the song was supposed to mean. I never expected to have revisited a memory that I had buried deep down to hide the hurt. But I guess that’s what these challenges are for – to discover a new or old part of yourself that you had never known or never wanted to know. I can only trust that ‘lights will guide me home’. Until tomorrow.
I’m fixed. But like a broken vase, I still have my cracks and scars. But these stories will always remain a part of me – a part of me I’ll learn to embrace.