“I choose this because to me it says you always have people there who are willing to share your burdens and make you feel lighter.. ”
Friendships are unique.
Each one has it’s own origin, own progression, and sometimes unfortunately, it’s own ending. They may start because of similarities, and they may start because of difference, others are started because of circumstances. The person who had suggested this song has been a pretty ‘new’ friend, yet he is someone I could say I would trust with most of my secrets.
He sent me a song along with a message:
“I know you are not the type of person to share your problems because you don’t want to add to others problems. Your are under the misconception that friends aren’t there to make things easier for you…”
I wish that I could say that he was wrong.
People describe me often as bubbly. Though the people who truly know me, and those who have seen me in my darkest points in life would know that ‘bubbly’ is only really a way for me to try to keep the overly complicated thoughts bring me to a place where everything is crumbling apart. It’s as if this front that I put up is a way of me to keep looking at the shining bright sky, convincing myself that the floor isn’t crumbling below my feet.
I wish that I could say I was brave enough to write down my deepest thoughts onto this open space for everyone, stranger or friend to see.
If my life could be described as the layers of the earth’s layers, this blog only goes as far down as the outer core. I write this blog for me to remember certain things that may be slightly harder to remember, but my deepest thoughts, the best moments of my life, the worst moments of my life, well it shouldn’t need words for me to remember.
I wish that I could learn to let things out.
I guess the fact is, when you choose to trust someone, you also choose to be vulnerable. When you know that they understand how you feel, that also gives them the option to judge you, the option to hurt you even more, or the option to heal you and support you.
But at the same time, without trust, you cannot find the joy of sharing a happy moment, nor would you be able to find the comfort in sharing a painful moment. There are some moments, when it felt like there were millions of butterflies fluttering about in my stomach, just waiting to burst out to share the good news; and other moments, when it felt like I was falling, crumbling, and reaching out to hold onto any sort of stability I could grasp onto.
I want to learn to trust. Fully. Wholeheartedly.
In my life, I’d say that there are only a handful of people whom I would trust with my life. But there is one thing I can always rely on no matter what time of day it is, what place I am in, what circumstance I am in, and that is my God. There have been so many instances, where I was lost, shaken, and broken. I would be screaming for someone to help, for someone to simply be there.
“I hope it’s going to make you notice.”
Yet the screams would all be hidden behind the smile I put on for the world. So when the night falls and I am alone, I curl up into a ball, place my head onto my pillow, and simply let it all out. The pain, the anger, and everything in between. And out of nowhere, there would be words, through a song, or through a book, or simply a thought, that would calm everything. The turbulent storm inside my head would suddenly be as calm as a lake that mirrors the skies. My breathing changes from sobs to silence. And for a moment, it all just ends.
“God has surrounded you with all the tools you need… Use them.”
I will try.