(Adjective) Feeling embarrassed or guilty because of one’s actions, characteristics, or associations.
I know that she was struggling today. And I wasn’t able to help her. But maybe growing up isn’t all about continuously leaning on someone else, but rather learning to stand up straight all by yourself, with those who taught and supported you surrounding you beaming with proud smiles. It’s like learning to ride a bike, eventually the training wheels come off, and you may fall, scraping your knee against the gravel and getting up again, willing to give it another try.
You keep trying. Falling. Getting up.
Maybe the mix of tears and dirt on your face start to sting your eyes, and your palms are sore with redness and the thought of giving up on trying seeps into your mind, but hold on, just give it one more try. Ask for help. You family, your friends, a stranger. Ask them to hold you up, just for that small stretch, until you can pedal as fast as your little legs will carry you, and it’s only then that you realise that they’ve let go a long time ago.
You did it.
You can feel the muscles in your leg contracting at every pedal, pushing yourself along the winding gravel road, the wind blowing through your hair, and the sense of success that accompanies an uncontrollable feel of scream ‘YES. I DID IT.’
But then you lean.
And it all goes wrong, you lose your balance and your arms sway violently from one side to another trying to return to the way things were, when all was balanced and it seemed that you had mastered how to control it all. You don’t look forwards, but rather, you start looking down, at the way the wheels is twisting this way and that without control.
She told me these were the thoughts she’d like to share.
‘I feel really ashamed of myself today. Everything from the past and everything that’s happening now.’
After falling so many times, it must be hard to pick yourself up from the ground, and have enough confidence to get onto your bike once again. The fear of falling again grips you and you start to wonder why you had chosen to start it in the first place.
To you my dear friend. Here’s what I want to say.
Yes. It’s hard. Yes. It’ll be rough. Yes. There will be scars. But they are unique to you. There is only one of you in the whole wide world, the one of you which can brighten someones day with a certain kind of smile, the one of you which comforts a sorrowful soul with a particular type of love, and the one of you which is made up of experiences and stories, old and new.
Look back, be grateful, take what you need, leave behind the regret, and charge forward head on. No. It may not have been perfect. No. It may not be truly what you would’ve chosen. No. It may not be what you now define as yourself. But nonetheless, it is your past and it is your present. So hold on to what you believe in, maybe change who you are for a little while, but no matter what you do, trust yourself to be strong enough to get on the bike once again to ride off, into your future, with confidence and ompf.
I believe in you.
(yet another song for your ears: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BahULUIdf0)