I woke up in the middle of the night, stomach howling with pain at the typical monthly torture each girl must go through. Finding it hard to fall asleep again, I decided to do a day of independent studying at home on the Thursday and get some rest.
Sitting in front of a the window, a truly grey sky. Not dull. Just grey. A very dark shade of grey. The contrast of the room light, the soft light glow from the ceiling just seemed like too much of a contrast to be allowed to fill my room. Instead I’m writing under the table lamp that focuses itself onto my desk, casting shadows of the ridges on the floor from staplers, papers and books stacked on my desk.
I woke up this morning to her messages for a call. The camera of her phone was pointing towards the ceiling. I could tell she had been crying, and that she was holding hard onto every word. She says that she’s just tired, tired of holding on. To life. To herself. A person she no longer desires to be.
I guess I’ve just realised I’m not a very nice person. I’m selfish. You seemed to be getting better, and I just don’t want to drag you down.
She feels like the spotlight shouldn’t belong to her. Her achievements. Her emotions. Her life. She doesn’t want to lean on anyone. She feels like a burden.
But she’s not.
To you my dear friend. Here’s what I want to say:
You do matter. The only reasons why I may seem better sometimes is knowing someone understands. That YOU understand. That you will still care for me. I got mad at you a few days ago because you wouldn’t let me care for you, but just as I was able to care for you, I could put forward my rational mind to speak to myself.
If you don’t lean on anyone, at least lean on me. Trust me. You’re holding onto me as much as I am holding on to you. Please don’t let go. Because if you do, I have nothing left really to hold on to.
Feeling helpless. Because I want to help. And I want to be helped. But I don’t either of us really knows how to help one another, or let other people help us. But at the very least we can ‘not-know’ what to do together. And at least then, we’re not alone.