‘How was your day.’
I used to be energised by being amongst a large group of people. Usually being the loudest one to either react exaggeratedly, or shouting at the top of my lungs, masking my fear of disobedience with a false sense of leadership.
Crowds. Any group of 2 or more people. Tire me out drastically. I am not myself, and the minute I say a last goodbye and turn away from the crowd, I start analysing each detail. Each smile. Each word. Each gesture. And slowly, the lines and thoughts of sadness just start to cover me like layers and layers of blankets.
After a while. I start suffocating from a blanket of bad thoughts.
I know that they are not mine. But there seems to be two of me in my head. There’s me. and then there’s other me. But other me is not me. It’s someone else, someone who speaks words of harm and anger. Words that I would’ve never imagined myself say. And yet, other me is so much better at speaking and shouting than me.
I used to be loud. But I am never loud enough for ‘other me’. I need people to drown it all out. I need activities. So I make plans. Fully intending to enjoy myself, to recharge, to be happy. But the happy doesn’t last. Not anymore. And I don’t understand why.
I just want to be okay again.