MushyFeelings. #9 Suffocating.

I walked into church today. At 1.30.
Context: church ends at 1.30.

I was assigned the task of passing over a parcel, and the only reason that I made the trip to church was for that alone. I walked away from the church through cobbled stone streets of seven dials, strolling fasting than normal, wanting to escape it all.

I woke up this morning feeling absolutely shattered. Tired from dreaming. Tired of thinking. And just a little tired of living. It took so much effort to each task, because each to-do isn’t just a simple to-do. It never is.

‘Can I fit it into my schedule?’
Please select from the following answers:

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. ‘Can I afford to say no?’, ‘am I allowed to say no even though I’m free?’, ‘what will they think of me if I say yes?’, ‘will they even think anything of it?’, ‘or worse, what will they think of me if I say no.’, ‘are they going to see through why I had said yes?’ ‘YES.’

Each question had become a branch, a tree which stems from a simple seed. But at a speed that surpasses any fertilizer or genetic modification. A weed which spreads and seeps deep into each space surrounding you. Maybe if I stand on a mountain top, there will be unending amount of space that the branches won’t start growing inwards to suffocate me.

I walked into church today repeating to myself. ‘All you have to do is pass on the box. All you have to do is pass on the box. It’ll be easy. You can do this. All you have to do is pass on the box.’

But from the first hello. I was suffocating inside. ‘What will they think of me if I don’t say hi back.’, ‘I don’t have enough energy to smile genuinely’, ‘they’ll see through it all’. I identify the person needing the parcel, I pass it on.

‘Where were you today?’

With a gathered breath, I speak: ‘I’m not feeling well.’ Though what was meant to be a loud, confident sentence only ends as a gentle whisper that’s responded with a ‘what?’. One more try, Rachel, you can do this. ‘I’m not feeling too well. Bye.’

I turn. And everything blurs, no faces, no expressions register in my mind. I am only focused on making it out of that room without breaking down. Whilst this whole event occurred over the span of less than 5 minutes, it dragged on in my mind for centuries.

To document all my thoughts onto this one entry would simply put the most energetic and caffeinated person to sleep. So I’ll just leave it there.


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