I can honestly say that I have attempted to start this post at least a hundred times,
wondering how to explain all that has happened in this past year. It’s difficult to even know where to begin to understand and describe the events, emotions, and experiences that has shaped me to who I am now. Let alone write it out into coherent sentences that translate the mess in my head to comprehensible, organised trains of thought.
I’ve been told that university is the time to find both your lifelong friends, and, more importantly, to find yourself. However, the current ratio between lost and found is heavily skewed towards ‘lost’. I’d like to think that it’s because I’ve been given an extended deadline with a 5 year course to complete the task, hence, I must first take everything apart, before putting it back together.
Oct 3, 2015
I know that I need support, and at the moment, it feels like it’s slowly coming together, and the things that fell apart and slowly falling back in place. But what if I become too much of a burden.
I didn’t tell my family for a few months, wondering, thinking, and deciding that my situation would be seen as a failure of my ability to survive independently. That my lack of success and happiness in my current situation meant I wasn’t coping well enough to meet a certain standard.
It’s not true.
Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of courage to be vulnerable, to open yourself up to potentially be hurt when they discover your weakness, but also to allow yourself to let others take care of you for a little while.
June 12, 2016
‘I’m debating to myself whether or not I am ready to share with the world the events that have happened since January. And after hovering over the publish button a little too long, I’ve decided maybe not.’
My emotions are illustrated as pictures that I can see when I close my eyes. My faith is portrayed as a fire, of varying intensities. For a long time, it had been a glowing bit of ember, struggling to maintain itself, and threatening to go out. But this morning, I woke up knowing that the flames were once again starting to flicker again.
I think the reason why I have been struggling to put this all into words is that as much as I would like to use this blog as a conversation starter, there are things in my life that I would like to keep private. But through all that I’ve gone through, I can say that I’m grateful for all the bridges I’ve built, all the friendships I’ve discovered, and all the understanding I’ve gained.
It’s been almost a year since all of it began. I’m scared to be entering into this season again. Summer fades and autumn flies by to drag winter along. But, I think I’ll cling onto the hope of all the things that are yet to come, with faith, I believe that there are many greater things to come.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”