A preamble:
In the past 6 months, as I had left London, and my church, to complete clinical placements in the seaside town of Margate. My walk with God had started as a thing I bitterly held on to, making 3-hour door-to-door trips twice a week to attend small groups and church. But eventually, it became something I actively rejected thinking about. My life seemed better without God, I didn’t have to feel guilty for indulging in the here and now. I could freely strive for a better body unashamedly just to be skinnier, I indulged in angry gossip about a frustrating situation, and more importantly, I didn’t feel guilty for not opening the bible more frequently to study His word.
Maybe I knew it was a temporary placement, maybe it was the people who knew I’d be back, maybe it’s just been my reality for that long, that I couldn’t just let it go. I was going to have to think about it.
So here’s another attempt to get this blog going again, with attempts that continued self-reflection may help me understand all the things I’ve swept under the carpet until now. With the help of two loyal accountability buddies who wouldn’t just let me wallow in my guilt, but pulled me up with an action plan in place – here’s the beginning of some reflection on the book ‘Is this it’ by Rachel Jones.
Many spontaneous discussions about faith have often stemmed with a sudden realisation that most of our efforts on this earth are futile. ‘We go to school to get into a good university. That will set us up for a good job, to store up some good finance to built a family. They grow up so we can tell them to go to school and get good grades.’
Yet, when we leave this earth, we can take none of these achievements with us.
“So why do I even bother?”
Responses have ranged from altruistic causes to ‘leave a positive impact on the world’, or more selfish desires to ‘enjoy my here and now because YOLO lols.’ As much as I’d like to be a ‘stepping stone for a higher cause’, I’m more commonly pursuing short-term happiness and enjoyment, chasing after life satisfaction.
The book spoke about the search for that one thing, that we feel once we have it, we’ll be happy. If only I had this, everything will be okay, everything will be solved. For me, for the longest time, it’s (still) a relationship.
If I had a relationship, I will know that I’m desirable, and I will feel a sense of validation. If I had a relationship, I will never be sad or lonely again, I will be emotionally strong.
If I had a relationship, I’d feel safe, and not worry about the future so much.
And when in my ripe old age of 24, that’s when your Facebook timeline and Instagram feed starts becoming populated with new engagements and wedding photos. What was previously unhealthy discontentment has occasionally skirted into the dangerous territory of envy.
Whenever thinking about contentment, this passage comes up:
For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. – Philippians 4:11b-12
And that secret that we all search for so often:
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. – Philippians 1:21
I’m unsure what’s easier for others. In the age of COVID-19, and prior to that, seeing my home city become divided, the unquenchable fires in Australia, and many other things that cause this world pain and sorrow – ‘to die is gain’ doesn’t seem that hard to believe.
In contrast, to live is Christ, for me, is the harder challenge. The book lists all the attributes that illustrate what it means to live with Christ’s spirit within us. It means ‘compassion, humility, being quick-witted, gentleness, justice, truthful, and loving.’
Jesus lived as the biggest sacrifice so that we would not be punished for our sins, and therefore, naturally, for us to live as Christ did, our lives should also be a sacrifice.
‘Our lives should also be a sacrifice.’
Maybe this is the truth that I struggle to accept, or even want to engage in.
With a further need to explore why that is so difficult to me, I simply am grateful for a God who will remain faithful despite all my failures.
‘You are faithful
Why should my heart be afraid?
You are faithful
I know You’re not gonna change
You are faithful, faithful.
Oh God, my Father
How great, great is Your faithfulness.’
HKGirl In London 