Ironically, this blog was first intended to be published for the first time about a week ago. It was only after I had published it did I realised it perfectly coincided with my other year-long scheduled post about how to look back and be grateful.
I just wanted this to exist somewhere in the universe.
21 Oct, 2016
Maybe it was the fact that I am the eldest in my family. Maybe it is that I have wonderfully inspiring and helpful parents. Maybe it is just the fact that this is who I am. But the ease at which I can hold a conversation and get along with most people as an extrovert has become more as a burden as opposed to a blessing. One may say: ‘It’s so great to be outgoing! You can meet so many people so easily and feel comfortable in a new environment within seconds.’ Others may reason: ‘Being an extrovert means you are blessed with the skill to reach out to so many people.’
‘I have something greater than myself to live for. There is a greater legacy than myself that I’m trying to leave behind.’
I’ve repeated the sentence in it’s various forms at least a dozen times as part of my testimony, of understanding that all my ups and downs had to happen for a reason. That I have a purpose.
But. Is it really so wrong that I want some time for myself sometimes?
I have been struggling recently to balance between giving and taking. Knowing wholeheartedly that I am on this earth to give, to be a servant, to put others above myself. ‘You can’t help others until you take care of yourself. Self-care is so important. You just need to take a step back from the daily hustle and bustle to reflect, to relax, and to recuperate.’
So, why do I feel so guilty when I say to myself, ‘It’s okay Rachel, you don’t have to participate all the time, you need to take care of yourself first.’
I have no problem with FOMO, the fear of missing out. I have a problem with FONDE, the fear of not doing enough. That each event that I don’t give my all, is an opportunity where I could’ve reached out to someone who is in need of a little more comfort, a listening ear, a calming presence of just knowing somebody is there.
To place myself in the pre-determined ‘extrovert’ box would be a logical label people would give me. But if introversion or extroversion is determined by your source of energy for social interaction, then I clearly fir within that of an ‘introvert’. When there is a need to spend time alone to ‘recharge’ in preparation for social events…
It shouldn’t be this hard.
I would like to ask the question, ‘Why would God put a burden like this on me?’, but then I would be blaming God. And as an older sister, as a youth leader, as a 360 member, I’m not supposed to do that. Guess I’ve started becoming restraint by my personality to be dutiful, to always do what’s right, and never question otherwise.
This blog is meant to be an inspiration, meant to be a publication, a documentation of all the events in which things all turned out okay at the end.
But it’s not okay right now, and I don’t really know how to fix it.
I guess this is my call of help. I dare you to try and fix it.